I’d choose you.
In a hundred life times, in a hundred different scenarios.
I’d choose you.
Even on a cloudy day, a bad day,
I’d choose you.
Even if you lived in a different country, a different time.
I’d choose you.
Even in the darkest of times, the darkest of places.
I’d choose you.
I know you. You know me. We know each other.
So I’ve discussed in previous posts that I was shall we say, a reluctant bridesmaid to one of my old school friends.
Now I have a variety of reasons for my reluctance:.
- My ex boyfriend is the best man.
- His baby is the flower girl.
- His girlfriend has issues with me.
- Most of the people at the wedding dislike me.
- I don’t really know why they dislike me.
- I wasn’t invited to the hen party.
- I don’t know why I was asked to be bridesmaid.
- I found out I had to make a speech a day before the wedding.
So yes this all comes together on this joyous occasion. I shall start with the preparations the day before which were stressful and bridezillaish. As I mentioned in the above bullet points, I found out along with my other fellow reluctant bridesmaid that we had to make a speech, THE DAY BEFORE THE WEDDING. So what ensued was a mad scramble in the early hours of the morning trying to write a speech out on the back of an envelope on the floor of the bride to be’s living room. This was a tremendous amount of fun. I eventually had made a speech of sorts and tried to sleep.
The following morning was hours of waiting, hair pulling, make up putting on and general preparations. They hired a photographer that would take “natural photos”. This meant that while eating breakfast or generally fixing yourself up, you had a camera poked in your face.I felt like some sort of celebrity with the paps going every time I fixed an eyelash. At this point the bride to be was so pumped with valium that she couldn’t even exhibit any sort of emotion.
As you can see so far this all has the ingredients for a spectacular wedding. The bridesmaid were bundled into a car and off we went. We waited outside the ceremony room in a hotel along with ex boyfriend, his baby, his girlfriend, the father of the bride and groom for the arrival of the bride to be….
I look at you,
You’re in a deep sleep,
Your face is sun burnt and peaceful.
Just minutes before, you greeted me with a deep look and your arms wide open.
I clambered in beside you. Happy to be in your embrace.
You told me, happily tipsy that you were in love with me.
I let the words sink and kissed you the most loving kiss I could give.
I knew it.
You love me.
I am loved.
I could explode with happiness.
This is real. You are my life.
So I’ve had a massive block lately. Just can’t seem to write and don’t have the urge to either. This I find strange. I loved writing, I enjoyed it, the words just flew out of me and now I feel stuck. It’s strange. It’s like I feel anything I write just isn’t good enough. Situations that have happened to me, I can’t find the right words to describe them.
Like recently I just got fired and found out my boyfriend is moving to Italy. So trying to deal with those two bombshells.
Anyway I’m off on holiday to Spain with the boyfriend and another couple. So I’m sure I’ll have some fun stories.
My mind hums
It clicks and clacks and works overtime.
It pricks and prods at every detail in every moment.
It does not stop.
I turn inward,unable to focus on the everyday.
Each new problem stands out like a front page headline in a newspaper.
It flashes consistently.
Humming to me, whispering doubts and fears like acid in my brain.
It burns and freezes my resolve and muddies up my decision making.
I float in a cloud like state of panic and confusion.
Until I am shaken , I am awoken by sense.
I realise I haven’t posted in a while. Had a mini crisis and then I just got real busy. Have a new job, equally as shitty as the last but least there is new scenery and more hours.
Speaking of my last job which was the kind of the place that attracted odd people. One such odd woman who I had talked to twice I’d say, found me at my new which is in a different town.
She is the sort of person that is overly familiar with you…She also looks intensely at you whenever you speak so you feel like it’s almost impossible to look away.. It’s like she’s penetrating your soul. It’s uncomfortable.. I don’t like. Anyway I was enjoying a quiet coffee in Starbucks waiting on the boyfriend (he’s been in Florida the last two weeks, lucky bastard). Anyway crazy lady comes over to me and starts immediately talking to me about vagina waxing. Yup. Also how she misses me in my old place of work. A tad creepy. Her sister then joins us who is equally as weird. May I add I know neither of these women’s names nor do they know mine. They corned me for 15 mins. One of my friends in Starbucks gave me a free coffee which was super nice except that crazy lady’s sister then started complaining loudly about the coffee.. It looked like I knew them too, they sat themselves at my table and were leaning in close to me.. This made it even more awkward…
I eventually made my excuses saying I had to meet boyfriend. I ninja stealthily my way out of the shopping centre avoiding detection except when I came upon the main road and they were right behind me. Making it look super obvious that I had made a shite excuse to run away. So I basically ran through the town and am hiding on the banks of the river now, still waiting on the boyfriend.
I sit here. Semi naked on my bed.
My hair greasy and my face oily.
A sheen of sweat on my back.
My eyes are rid rimmed from lack of sleep.
My stomach growls violently from two days of lack of food.
My breathing is tight and my heart hammers in my chest, adrenaline courses through my body.
I’m left with the question, so what’s the easy way out? What’s the easy way of stopping? A strange sense of calm is brought thinking about it. A comfort.
Then I stop. Even though the sadness is overwhelming. I know I can’t and never will be able to.
I think we all succumb to darkness and hateful thoughts at one point.
So I shakily get out of bed.
I have a shower.
I eat breakfast.
I keep moving.