Block

So I’ve had a massive block lately. Just can’t seem to write and don’t have the urge to either. This I find strange. I loved writing, I enjoyed it, the words just flew out of me and now I feel stuck. It’s strange. It’s like I feel anything I write just isn’t good enough. Situations that have happened to me, I can’t find the right words to describe them.

Like recently I just got fired and found out my boyfriend is moving to Italy. So trying to deal with those two bombshells.

Anyway I’m off on holiday to Spain with the boyfriend and another couple. So I’m sure I’ll have some fun stories.

Thinking

My mind hums

It clicks and clacks and works overtime.

It pricks and prods at every detail in every moment.

It does not stop.

I turn inward,unable to focus on the everyday.

Each new problem stands out like a front page headline in a newspaper.

It flashes consistently. 

Humming to me, whispering doubts and fears like acid in my brain.

It burns and freezes my resolve and muddies up my decision making.

I float in a cloud like state of panic and confusion.

Until I am shaken , I am awoken by sense.

 

Awkward moments

I realise I haven’t posted in a while. Had a mini crisis and then I just got real busy. Have a new job, equally as shitty as the last but least there is new scenery and more hours.

Speaking of my last job which was the kind of the place that attracted odd people. One such odd woman who I had talked to twice I’d say, found me at my new which is in a different town.
She is the sort of person that is overly familiar with you…She also looks intensely at you whenever you speak so you feel like it’s almost impossible to look away.. It’s like she’s penetrating your soul. It’s uncomfortable.. I don’t like. Anyway I was enjoying a quiet coffee in Starbucks waiting on the boyfriend (he’s been in Florida the last two weeks, lucky bastard). Anyway crazy lady comes over to me and starts immediately talking to me about vagina waxing. Yup. Also how she misses me in my old place of work. A tad creepy. Her sister then joins us who is equally as weird. May I add I know neither of these women’s names nor do they know mine. They corned me for 15 mins. One of my friends in Starbucks gave me a free coffee which was super nice except that crazy lady’s sister then started complaining loudly about the coffee.. It looked like I knew them too, they sat themselves at my table and were leaning in close to me.. This made it even more awkward…
I eventually made my excuses saying I had to meet boyfriend. I ninja stealthily my way out of the shopping centre avoiding detection except when I came upon the main road and they were right behind me. Making it look super obvious that I had made a shite excuse to run away. So I basically ran through the town and am hiding on the banks of the river now, still waiting on the boyfriend. 

The process

I sit here. Semi naked on my bed.
My hair greasy and my face oily.
A sheen of sweat on my back.
My eyes are rid rimmed from lack of sleep.
My stomach growls violently from two days of lack of food.
My breathing is tight and my heart hammers in my chest, adrenaline courses through my body.
I’m left with the question, so what’s the easy way out? What’s the easy way of stopping? A strange sense of calm is brought thinking about it. A comfort.
Then I stop. Even though the sadness is  overwhelming. I know I can’t and never will be able to.
I think we all succumb to darkness and hateful thoughts at one point.
So I shakily get out of bed.
I have a shower.
I eat breakfast.
I keep moving.

How I objectified myself

I didn’t realise how fucked up I had become until the other day. I didn’t realise that I literally had little or no self respect for myself up until recently. I saw sex in a shitty way too. I made a silly mistake a few months ago just at the start of my relationship that I had begun to feel guilty over. Its a slightly over complicated scenario that I shouldn’t have got involved in and could of jeopardised my current relationship. 

I think being in abusive relationships has such far reaching affects. It can change you into a person that you don’t recognise and you do things out of character. I In my last relationship, it was mainly about sex. It was a power, a tool. When I became depressed, he didn’t want me anymore. He was repulsed by me. This reached right down to the core. He fucked me, then broke up with me the next day. I was left with nothing and unbelievably bad body image of myself. I objectified myself so that sex was just a thing, I couldn’t get attached. No one wanted me unless it was just for sex. I screwed around. I went for guys that sexed me,then left me. I didn’t care though. I chose it to be that way. I had such little worth for myself. I was also surrounded by people who were more fucked up than me, that literally had different opinions on sex than I did. This also led me to do stupid things and be in situations where I should of just walked away. Now I found someone, that is so nice and I am starting to get back what I lost. I feel guilt over a certain night where certain things shouldn’t of happened, a line was crossed. 

I am trying to leave the fucked up days behind me, the depression and the anger. I just want to let go of the past but I just continue to torture myself. I find it hard to move on.

I have so much built up stuff that I didn’t realised effected me.

Its dragging me down. 

Why people stay in bad relationships

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This is just me speaking from experience as to why people stay in bad relationships. I decided to write this after seeing a post from the wonderful Aussa Lorens. 

Why do people stay in bad relationships? By “bad” relationships, I mean ones where you feel shit about yourself 90% of the time with brief feelings of euphoria. In my case, I wanted to feel needed. I lived off that feel that someone needed me around, that I was important even if it was never acknowledged.

I would stay and take the abuse, the disappointment because that’s what people do when they love someone right? They stick it out again and again and again. You want to mind them, “fix them”. When its bullshit. An 18 year old girl can’t fix her depressed boyfriend. A 22 year old girl can’t make her sociopathic  boyfriend have feelings.

People go round and round in circles because they fall for the wrong people. They fall for the unreachable. They absolutely drain themselves in a useless effort to make everything ok. This seems to be attractive though to the problem solvers. They fall for this idea that they will be the girl to make a difference, to change that man,to show him the error of his ways. They will love him so much more than anyone else has before. They will be special. They are wrong. 

People obsess over this idea of love conquering all. We are fed it constantly. Yes the love I felt for these guys was real but it wasn’t sustainable.  It would not conquer all, it would not right the wrongs of the past, it would not wipe everything clean. 

Hindsight is a wonderful thing though. In the past I was fierce in my absolution that these guys were the ones. They would make me happy and we would work through everything, we would take on the world together. I was wrong. I’m  glad I was wrong. 

Being wanted is such a better feeling.

 

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Just a real upbeat song from a savage Irish band. Put me in good humour. Message of the day, it all works out. Too right.